I have had the pull to write my story for a very long time, but one day in particular, the pull became too much to ignore. On that day, this is what happened.
I was sharing some back and forth banter with a coworker… really I was whining. I was whining about not wanting to be pushed into project management. I have always viewed myself as a painfully shy introvert and I did NOT want any part of this project management stuff. (I’ve been at my job long enough that the financial gain wouldn’t even really matter – I am quite happy where I am at). Well this coworker proceeds to BELIEVE in me. What?
He tells me that my boss must see in me the same thing that he sees. He tells me he thinks I will be surprised at how well this all turns out.
Obviously there were more words than that – but those are the ones that stuck.
My mind was whirling all day. When I got home I just had to let it all out… so I opened up a blank word document and this is what came out:
“A culminating moment, when everything suddenly becomes clear. I can see now that I have lived my entire adult life using my past as a way to stay angry. I am everything that I hate in others. I have used my history as a subconscious way to push people away – especially men – the good ones anyways. But then again, I have spent so many years chasing after the wrong men… and now I understand it. I was chasing after those men because somehow if I could get their approval, gain their affections, then I would win – I would win the war I have fought inside me for so many years. I have been seeking my father’s approval for so many years, in so many men. And then a good man tells me like it is – is completely honest with me – and it blows my whole way of thinking out of the water. A way of thinking that I didn’t even realize I was doing. It was more of a way of being.”
Where the heck did THAT come from? That was about ten days ago. I have been bursting at the seems wanting to write since then.